leave you in the morning, and find you in the day
by everybreatheverymove
Summary: She doesn't know what to feel or how to react, but he's sure that he can't let another day pass without her beside him.
1. leave you now, and find you then

_I'll leave you in the morning, and find you in the day._

* * *

They get the call from Chief Hunt at around eleven pm.

Everything is such a blur.

Nobody knows how to react, how to feel.

How to _be. _

Richard Webber stands up slowly, rubbing his hands together nervously, "You stay here for a second." He advises them, holding up a finger before starting to walk away.

He leaves them in shock behind him.

Alex suddenly rises, "Like hell we're just going to wait here!" He exclaims, and Richard turns back around.

"Karev, take a seat." He tells him, pointing down to the man's previous location.

"I'm not just going to wait here and do nothing while they're out there, helpless. You can't expect me to." He shrugs his jacket closer to himself and makes his way to the door.

The redhead sat across from him folds her arms over her chest and stares down at the table. She swallows a breath and twitches her leg nervously below the table.

Webber shakes his head.

He observes the two remaining at the table.

They seem in shock and he can't really blame them.

Their friends and co-workers have possibly been involved in a major plane crash, he can't expect them to do anything other than be in shock and worry about their safety.

Jackson's staring straight ahead, his fingers tapping against the wood of the restaurant's glossy wooden table. He frowns, and scratches the back of his neck with a sigh. "I'm going."

He stands from his seat, and glances down at the woman beside him.

Her legs are shaking and he knows that it's a habit of hers when she's nervous about something.

"April?" He asks her and she swallows again, blinking a few times before finally turning her attention to him.

"Yeah."

She follows him out of the door, the previous Chief behind them.

* * *

The car ride was mainly silent.

She doesn't know what to say, about anything really.

He doesn't know what to say that could make her feel any better.

He's probably the best at dealing with these kind of situations. He held his own against a shooter, for Christ's sakes. He knows that she did too, and he applauds her for that because for all the time that he's known her, he'd always thought of her as the weak one.

But she wasn't. And he knows that now, he realizes how strong she actually is.

He just doesn't know if she does, too.

"I was happy."

April speaks three words, and he watches her from the corner of his eye as he tries to keep control of his driving.

He's a wreck right now, but he won't show it.

"I was going to be happy, tonight." She reminds him of their conversation from earlier in the night. "It was meant to be a happy night, but it's-it's not." She shakes her head, gulping back her tears.

She can't break down, she won't let herself.

"I know."

They don't say much else.

He just holds her hand.

* * *

"We have helicopters covering the route from here to Boise. For now, everything is under control but we need as many hands on deck as we can get." Owen tells them all.

They've all changed back into their scrubs.

"We still have patients coming in, and stand-by's waiting. If there was a crash, we should be hearing something soon. Please, stick to your duties and everyone will do their best, all right?" He nods and claps his hands once as he talks, gratefully thanking his employees.

Alex grimaces, picking up a few charts from the nurse's desk, "Ass. His wife's on that place."

"Cristina will be fine." April tries.

The other man raises an eyebrow, "Keep telling yourself that. They're probably all injured, maybe even dead, so keep your good thoughts to yourself." He closes his chart after writing something down and stalks off.

The girl bites her lip, "Even in a situation like this, he still has to be an jerk." She shakes her head and flicks through her own folder.

Jackson rests a hand on her shoulder. "Don't listen to him, I'm sure they're all okay."

He's not sure if he's trying to convince her, or himself.

She nods, and turns around. She takes a deep breath and gently smiles up at him, "I'll pray for them."

April walks away, not noticing the blank expression on her best friend's face.

He likes the way she's positive about almost everything, but he's not sure how to handle this whole religion thing.

It clearly means a lot to her, and he wants it to mean a lot to him, too, for her sake.

But he can't seem to let it, because it's coming between them and, for some reason, he's worried about their friendship, especially everything that's happened recently.

Jackson picks up his chart, making his way to Mrs. Feldman's room.

_Heart attack._

* * *

She gets stuck with a boring case.

But she's actually quite thankful that Mr. Waltham only has a cold.

Because, right now, she doesn't want to deal with too much.

She signs him a prescription and writes him up a note.

It's as simple as that.

She's going to miss the little jobs, the easy cases that make her day so much easier.

She's going to miss the cases.

She's going to miss the hospital.

It's become her second home and she's not sure that she can let it go so easily.

April unsure of her future. She won't get hired at Seattle Grace Mercy West next year. She's being rejected by every hospital she applied to because she's not _board certified_. She hates those two words.

It doesn't make her any less of a doctor, she knows that. But it messes with your career and, suddenly, you're going nowhere.

After signing over two charts to the nurse for classing, she heads to the only place she feels at peace.

The hospital has a small church, behind the many buildings and trees. It goes unnoticed by many, but she knows that a few others feel the same way that she does.

She sits herself down on one of the benches in the middle, and clasps her hands together as she closes her eyes and tilts her head to the floor.

She'll pray for them. She doesn't care if they need it or not, but she'll do it anyway because she's that kind of person.

She worries more than she has to.

Hearing footsteps behind her, she slowly looks back and sees her best friend approaching her side.

"I thought I mind find you here." He speaks quietly, and hands her a bottle of water.

Jackson sits beside her and twists the lid open on his bottle. He takes a sip, and frowns when he notices the way she holds the object and stares at the ground.

Her forehead is creased as though she's thinking about something way too much.

"April?"

She shrugs him off when he places a hand on her arm for support.

"This isn't right."

"What isn't right?"

She gulps, "This. They could be dying out there and I'm sat here when I should be doing everything that I can to help."

"There's nothing we can do."

"There has to be, Jackson." She starts and softly turns to him, pushing a strand of hair behind her ear as her knees brush against his own. "I shouldn't be- I-" She tries and stutters, the bottle of water shaking in her hands, "I shouldn't be here."

Jackson stares at her, "What do you mean?"

"In here. With you."

There's a silence between them, and she takes a deep breath and closes her eyes.

April bites her lip again, "I broke my promise."

He's kind of getting sick of hearing about this.

"I know, OK? I know." He breaks, throwing his head back, but never raising his voice, "You don't think I know that? It's all I've been hearing for the past few days. You keep saying that you broke your promise and that you don't want me to feel bad about anything because it wasn't my fault. But you're making me feel like it was."

She watches his lips as he talks and she can't help but get those _bad_ ideas in her head again.

"It's not, Jackson." She shakes her head and rests a hand on his leg, "I-I'm sorry about that."

"No, you know what? I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I made you break your promise to Jesus because I did not want to be that guy. I'm sorry that you're not going to be a virgin for the guy you're going to marry, he'll be missing out, really. I'm sorry for making you feel like you have to keep apologizing, because you don't." He tells her and she gulps, "Maybe we should just both stop talking and thinking about it because you clearly think it was a mistake. So, let's just forget it."

April watches his face crease and she licks her lips.

"I don't want to forget about it." She whispers, moving her body slightly closer to his.

Jackson sets his bottle down beside him and runs a hand over his face.

"Then, what do you want?" He sounds frustrated.

"I want for everything to be okay between us. I want for you to stay here and not leave for Tulane. I want my best friend. I want to- I want-," She gulps a breath and blinks a few times, "I want you."

She bites her lip when she comes to the realization.

She stands up and quickly makes her way to the back of her church, in some room where nobody ever goes.

"April?" Jackson calls out after her.

She needs to be alone right now, she can't face him because she knows that she'll do something that she shouldn't.

But he's following her and she can't allow herself to shut the door behind her.

"I can't want you."

The small amount of hope he had just rose in his chest, and got crushed all within the sake of ten seconds.

She can't keep doing this to him, she can't keep making him feel like he has a shot, and then breaking it down to the ground and stomping all over it.

"I can't want you, because I don't want to break more than one promise."

He's silent for a while, until he turns so he's facing her. He places a hand on her hip and watches as she closes her eyes when his thumb slips under material of her blue scrub top.

"You won't." Jackson informs her. His fingers dance across her stomach slowly and he notices the way her breathing hitches. He's the only person to have ever touched her like this and she's still reeling off of the feeling of him against her. The way he moved with her, the way he kissed her, the way he touched her, the way he loved her.

_I've barely lived, I'm not finished yet, no-one's loved me yet..._

Her own words linger in her memory.

"I can't br-" He cuts her off when he pulls her closer, his other hand travelling up the back of her shirt.

"You won't." He doesn't know why she won't just listen to him.

She leans her head back, pushing her hair to one side as he leans closer and kisses her jaw.

This is so completely wrong.

Jesus would not approve, she reminds herself. And yet, she can't bring herself to push him away.

"...more than one-" She tries to continue, unsure of why she's even bothering when her fingers travel down his toned chest to the strings of his scrubs.

"You won't." He tells her once last time, "Did you ever think about that?" He asks her. "I don't want to wait until there's another plane crash. I don't want to run out of time because people do that all the time and it never works out."

She finally realizes what he means.

She couldn't possibly break more than one promise if he was the one, right?

There was no way of actually knowing for sure, but she felt pretty strongly for him and she was sure he felt the same, so there was no harm in finding out. Again. For a third time.

Her hands suddenly wrap around his neck and he's pushing her back against the wall behind her as they kiss, his tongue entering her mouth in a way she can only describe as amazing.

April finds her legs wrapping around his waist and he does that one handed carry again that made her own insane the last time. She remembers that time, it was as amazing as the first, her first, their first. Her bottom finds a table to sit on and she moans when he slips his shirt off.

"This is so wrong." She voices almost silently.

She honestly thinks that he won't reply for a while until he does, "No, it's not."

She can't help but kind of agree. Because if something feels really, really good, it can't be bad, right?

Jackson smiles at her and she blushes under his gaze. He kisses his way from her neck to her cleavage, her abandoned scrub shirt on the floor.

Then it happens.

Both pagers buzz at the same time, and a look of dread and worry passes both of their faces at the same time. He pulls away and checks his pager.

"It's Hunt."

He looks over, and she immediately knows what it is,

"They've found them."


	2. slow and steady, like a waterfall

_I'm letting go, but I've never felt better.  
_

* * *

She's a mess.

She knows it, he knows it, hell, everybody does.

But that doesn't change the fact that it's true.

She's a mess.

And she knows that it's wrong to only be worried about yourself in these kind of situations, but she can't help it.

She can't help a lot of things.

Her life is falling apart, her walls are crumbling down at a rapid pace that she feels she can't keep up with. And she's trying, she's trying her best to keep herself together, if that's even possible anymore.

She doesn't think it is because her whole world is falling apart, and she's just got the news that some of the closest people in her life have been involved in a horrid plane crash.

She's a mess.

"April?" The voice beside her asks and she snaps her attention back to the man by her side.

Jackson.

He's so gorgeous, and talented, and smart, and perfect.

And she prays that she won't mess this up, too.

"I'm coming." She follows him out the door, her hand tucked safely in his.

* * *

"We have to move fast. They're being flown in right now, and we don't yet know of the gravity of their injuries of any possible fatalities. So, " Chief Hunt pauses and glances at his watch. He stares back down at his awaiting and anxious employees. He's stood on the main stairs, his mobile phone in his hand. He gently touches his wedding ring and takes a deep breath, "Let's just- Let's just prepare ourselves for the worst, people." He nods as he descends the stairs.

Webber taps his shoulder reassuringly, "She'll be fine, Hunt. They all will."

Owen blinks a few times and picks up an awaiting chart off of the nurse's desk, "Let's hope so."

Webber watches him leave, a sorry look on his face. His gaze catches Alex, his back leant against the vending machine and his hands folded over his chest as he sighs with his eyes shut tight.

"Karev?" He walks over to the younger man and raises an eyebrow, "You doing okay?"

"I should have been on that plane! Instead of Robbins, it should have been me. But she- she took my place, because I said I was leaving here for Hopkins and she freaked. She took my place." Alex groans, hitting his hand against the machine. "She has a kid. If she dies, it'll be my fault that Sofia only has one mom."

The elder man pats his arm, "Karev, you don't blame yourself for this, you hear?" Karev looks up into the former chief's eyes. The boss is still in there. "She will be fine, they all will. You don't blame yourself for this." He starts to walk away, "Everything will be OK and no one is going to die."

Alex kind of believes him.

* * *

He really wishes that he could hit patients sometimes.

He's not the in the best of moods right now and it's completely understandable.

But this guy's been pissing him off for the past twenty minutes, asking precise details about his surgery as thought he was actually going to understand anything.

"We are opening up your heart to remove the tumor."

He's pretty sure it speaks for itself.

The guy, Mr. Daniels, grins and nods. "I know that part, but tell me what that entails."

Jackson squeezes his lips shut together tight, to keep himself from saying something that he knows he shouldn't.

Instead, he sends the old man a fake smile and picks his chart back up from the table at the end of his bed, "Have a good day, Mr. Daniels."

He knows he'll get shit for it but he doesn't care, so he just walks out of the room, closing the door behind him.

Why couldn't he just get dealt with an easy case right now?

"Dr. Altman," he walks over to the attending, slipping the chart underneath the woman's hands. "Any chance I can get off of this case, the guy's a complete dou-"

She cuts him off, raising an eyebrow, "Avery, we don't talk about patients that way." He warns him and takes the folder. "Why do you want off?"

"He's quizzing me about his surgery and I can't deal with it right now. There's just so much-"

Teddy nods and softly smiles, "It's OK, I get it." She can't help but think about Cristina and the rest her colleagues, and friends, that were on the plane. "You can, eh- Okay, go and help Kepner in the ER."

Jackson smiles, and slaps his hand down on the desk thankfully, "Thank you."

* * *

"What are you doing here? I thought you were with Altman and that old guy with the bad heart?"

He takes the folder from her hands, "I was, but she let me off her service."

She gently smiles up at him and brushes a strand of hair behind her ear as she nods.

"So, who do we have here?"

April clears her throat, "A runner with a sore leg."

"You could elaborate a bit more." He tells her.

"Whatever, it's my patient, find your own." She swats the chart against his chest lightly and shakes her head with a small giggle.

Jackson pulls a face, "I thought we could work together for once." He suggests, a hand gently trailing up her arm as he stares down at her.

She softly blushes a pink shade at the way he's looking at her, his bright blue eyes staring into her own with great intent. She bites her lip, "OK, fine."

"I knew you would give in."

April squints her eyes and curves her lips to the side. She turns around and starts away towards the patient in question.

He stares after her for a second, taking in the way she walks and the way she can leave him hanging, and the way that he doesn't even care when she does.

She swiftly turns on her heel, the chart held up against her chest. He's pretty sure she's doing that so he won't stare at her chest, and she bites her lip again, this time a suggestive look on her face.

He wonders if he made her this way, different.

He wonders if he changed her as much as she said he had.

Either way, he's pretty sure that's a good thing.

"Are you coming?"

There's still a hint of sadness on her face after all of the drama that she's been through lately and he's making a note to himself to rid her of that pain completely.

He blinks a few times and licks his lips, following her, "Yeah."


	3. find comfort, forget pain

_Could it be the sign of our affairs?  
_

* * *

He's numb.

He doesn't know how to feel, he doesn't even know if he _should_ feel anything.

He's distraught.

He's lost, and wrecked, and wounded.

It's completely understandable.

The woman who he'd dated for a reasonable amount of time was dead.

She was gone.

She was lost.

She was never coming back.

She had been his friend above anything else, and now he's not sure what to do with himself.

Jackson has to stay composed, he knows that that's what people will expect of him. He's that guy. The guy who doesn't bruise easily, the guy who's hard to break.

But when something significant to him happens, he shuts himself down entirely, not even caring if he bashes his reputation as an Avery.

It happened when he was ten years old and his father passed away. He was only little and he needed his mother's help to get through the pain but she was never there. She was always somewhere else, keeping busy to distract herself from reality.

It happened again when Charles Percy, his former best friend, had died on the dreadful day two years ago.

He remembers the way everyone had helped each other out to recover and become strong again and heal.

He remembers the way he used to hold April as she cried over her loss, her best friend Reed's death.

He remembers the words he spoke to Lexie about his bond with Charles, how they were like brothers and how he couldn't understand that he'd managed to live while God took his best friend away from him.

It's happening again and, though he might not exactly understand her way of healing, prayers and good thoughts included, he needs April.

Because she's the only person who's ever really understood what he's going through, and she's the only remaining person who can help him.

He needs April.

He needs his best friend.

* * *

She ties her red hair up in a messy bun before pulling the yellow gloves over her hands and picking up a dirty plate off the side of the sink.

She needs to keep herself busy, she needs a distraction.

Her shift had ended about an hour and a half ago, and she'd gone straight back to the apartment she shared with the two guys.

Chief Hunt had told the residents that once they'd finished their shifts, they were to return to their usual habits, as though nothing was any different.

The victims of the plane crash, her colleagues, the people who she allowed herself to call 'friends', were being taken to another hospital, the closest one to the site of the crash. Seattle Grace Mercy West was too far away to be able to treat all of their injuries in time unless they wanted to lose a life.

April heard the front door to the apartment open and turned around, spotting Jackson throwing his keys down on the table. She frowns when he sighs and leans himself against the wall behind him. He throws his head back, closing his eyes and breathing out.

She shakes off the growing feeling of nausea she can feel rising in her gut and plasters a smile on her face.

She knows that Alex won't be back for a long while because he's on call on the night shift, and the thought of spending alone time with Jackson manages to lift her spirits.

"I made dinner." She tells him, a small tone of pride in her voice, and she places the dish back down into the soapy water.

Jackson moves his head back to look at her, his eyes staring adoringly at her face. He forces the smallest smile that he can muster, followed by a grave sigh.

"That's great."

She doesn't seem to catch the slight carelessness in his voice.

"We didn't have much in so I had to improvise, but I think it worked out okay." She tells him, taking a few steps closer and staring up at him with worry written all over her eyes and face. She bites her lip and he can't help but want to kiss her.

Jackson shakes the feeling away because he feels that he has to, and gulps a breath.

She was already home when they got the news; she doesn't know.

She doesn't know about Lexie.

"April," He starts and takes her hands in his own, "I think we should sit down." He suggests, gently pulling her down towards the couch. She sits down beside him and presses her knees together.

Her legs shake lightly and her hands twitch with nerves again.

"What's wrong? Is it about the crash? About Tulane?"

He really doesn't want to talk about that right now, it's not the right time. He doesn't want to think about his decision to leave Seattle, to leave her.

He's not even quite sure how to start. He doesn't know how to tell her.

She's so fragile, especially with everything that has happened lately, and he's not sure that she could handle it.

"Jackson, the silence isn't helping." She grasps his hands in her own this time, squeezing them reassuringly.

He stares down at the floor for a second, his fingers fidgeting with the yellow rubber of her cleaning gloves. He has to do this. She has to know, he has to tell her now. He has to, because he knows that she won't be able to handle it at all if he, or anyone else for that matter, waits to tell her simply because she wasn't ready.

"Lex- Lexie's dead."

He hears the small catch in her breath after he speaks the poisonous words.

April's face is a mix of emotions and expressions and he's not sure he can handle watching her process the information. She's going to cry, he knows it, and he wants to be there to hold her, to help her through the pain.

He has to.

As her best friend, he has to.

It's in, like, the handbook or something.

She's losing one of her friends, again, as is he, and they have to be there for each other.

He has to be strong, for her sake.

And for Lexie's sake.

But he's not sure that he can because it's hurting him just as much as it's hurting her.

And it's hurting her a hell of a lot, he can tell by the look on her face.

And he needs her just as much as she's needing him right now.

"Wh- What?" She asks, a small whisper, even though she's almost fully comprehended what he told her.

She just doesn't believe it. She refuses to.

It takes time for it to kick in, for the initial shock to pass into the system.

"Jackson-" Her voice breaks and she stands, her eyes cast to the ground as her lips tremble.

She needs him, he can tell.

He stands as well, taking a step forward in front of her. He doesn't move for a second until he notices the tears that have starting to cascade down her rosy coloured cheeks. He wonders how she still manages to look beautiful even in the worst of situations.

Jackson wraps his arms around her, and she gently rests her head against his chest.

Her arms find their way around his waist and he's not even bothered about the dirty water that's currently spreading on his clothes. Apart from for the rest of the crash victims, he's only concerned about her.

He can hear her sobs against his chest and he can feel the wet tear stains on his shirt. He pulls her closer, running a hand through her hair to soothe her, to try anything he can to calm her.

And he knows her well enough that a simple hug won't suffice.

Her tears slowly stop after a few minutes and April slightly pulls away, her hands resting on his sides as she stares up at him, her eyes full of pain and suffering.

April licks her dry lips and takes a deep breath. She slowly peels the gloves form her hands before he takes over when he notices the way her hands are shaking, trembling with goosebumps.

Jackson throws them to the ground and takes her hands in his own, placing a soft kiss on each back of the hand.

She shuffles her body closer to him, drawing the heat radiating off of him to keep her warm. Her hands slide up his chest and she clasps her hands together behind his neck as she breaths against him. He seems in pain and she does the only thing that she can think of in the moment to rid him of the hurt.

Her body is pressing against his to close that he can practically feel her heartbeat against his chest.

He knows where this is going, and he's pretty sure that she knows what she's doing, what she's getting herself into.

"April-" He starts but she cuts him off by placing a finger against his lips to shush him. She blushes under his gaze, resting her forehead against his chin and he breathes in the smell of her hair.

She keeps her finger in place as her other hand moves from the back of his neck to the top of his shirt.

Jackson shakes his head as he speaks, "We shouldn't be doing this." He warns her. He's only saying it for her benefit but she doesn't seem to care.

He only has her best interest at heart, he doesn't want her regretting it yet again.

He's not sure he could take it.

Her thumb caresses his bottom lip before she gently leans up and kisses him, placing her lips against his innocently. April swallows a sharp breath and closes her eyes as she whispers against his lips, "I need you."

He can't say no to her.


	4. i can't love, love me instead

_Those bright blue eyes can only meet mine across a room._

* * *

They don't do anything, not then, at least.

He stops her from going any further because he knows that it's the wrong to do, no matter how right it might feel.

He stops her from unbuttoning his shirt by grasping her wrists gently in his hands.

"Stop."

April stares up at him, a look of hurt and embarrassment in her eyes. Great, she's back to being that girl.

The needy, nerdy and lonely girl that she used to be.

The girl that nobody wanted.

She can feel tears welling up in her eyes but she won't let them fall. She can't let them fall, she won't let herself. She doesn't want him to see how weak she truly is, how easily she feels rejected.

Jackson opens his mouth to speak but she cuts him off by quickly throwing her hands down to her sides and backtracking away from him. She picks the abandoned cleaning gloves up off the floor and slides them back onto the hands. She turns around abruptly, making her way back into the kitchen.

He remains stood in his place, a look of worry on his face. He unbuttons his shirt back up as he watches her pick up a perfectly good plate and start to wash it with dirty water.

He doesn't want to hurt her. He doesn't, he never has and he never will. But he can't let her do anything that he knows she'll regret. He can't, because they've done it twice before and she hasn't gotten better since. He can't make her case any worse than it already is. He doesn't want to cause her any more pain.

And he knows that causing her pain would only come right back around the corner and do the same to him. He's already in pain, he doesn't want, or need, any extra suffering because of one night.

Neither of them do.

Taking a deep breath, he follows her steps into the kitchen and stops at her side.

Her face is blank, her lips pursed as she scrubs the plate hard, creating screeching noises and he winces.

She gulps, licking her lips quickly, and throwing the porcelain object down on the drainer. Barely a second passes before she picks another one up and repeats the scrubbing.

"April-" He can't watch her do this.

"Leave me alone." She sounds hurt, and her voice breaks as thought she's going to burst out into tears at any second.

She realizes that she might be overreacting. Sure, she needed someone in that moment, a shoulder to cry on. And he seemed like a good fit, especially considering their recent history. But as she thinks about it more clearly, she doesn't understand why she was so upset to begin with.

Lexie was a friend of hers, of course, but they were never that close. They weren't on the same level of friendship as Meredith and Cristina, nobody was.

Sure, they shared a few drinks and the occasional girlie chat, but they weren't best friends or anything remotely close to the genre. They were friends, plain and simple.

But Jackson was good friends with her, more so than April was and she knew how much her death must have been hurting him so she figured that she'd comfort him the way he would if she needed it.

Maybe she thought wrong.

Maybe his way of comforting her would consist of beer and an old film until she falls asleep and he tucks her in bed. Maybe he'd try and be that protective, caring guy he'd always been for her.

But she didn't want that.

When she was battered and bruised as though she was dying because something had gone wrong, she didn't want the sympathetic hugs and the reassuring words. She didn't want the pity that came under the form_ 'everything will be okay.' _She didn't want that.

She wanted someone to hold her close and tight and treat her like she was the only thing that mattered in that moment.

But she'd never been treated that way and now, she figured, she never would be.

She'd never been treated that way because of who she was.

Throughout her whole life she'd been treated like the little goody-two-shoes who needed to hold someone's hand to walk across the street. The one who'd wanted something and got it because she was just that spoilt. The one who'd only ever had four real friends, or at least people who felt like real friends, during her whole life. The geeky girl, Rosie, in high school who only ever hung out with her because they were both as annoying as each other. The older girl, Amber, in university who only ever hung out with her because she wanted to give her make-over. Then there was Reed, and Reed was her best friend.

They almost had that Meredith and Cristina relationship that was so hard to find. Throughout their whole intern-ship and residency together, they were like two pieces of candy stuck together that you just couldn't tear apart. And then that day came when she feel onto her best friend's body covered in blood, and everything had changed.

She'd only had one real friend left.

And they'd only really become closer friends because of everything that they were put through after the shooting.

Jackson.

He was all that she had left, and now she wasn't even sure if she had that. She wasn't even sure if she still had him.

But she hoped to God that she did, and that she hadn't already messed things up completely.

He was all that she had left; she'd lost her offers, she'd lost her job at Seattle Grace, she lost her virginity, she lost her purity, she lost Jesus' respect.

He was all that she had left.

April sighed, resting the last dish down on the side of the sink. She places her hands on the edge of the counter and takes a deep breath as she licks her lips again and stares up at the ceiling.

"I'm-" She starts, pausing as she tries to think of the correct words and her mouth forms an O-shape as she searches for the right thing to say. "I'm a wreck." She's not even sure if those were the words she was looking for.

He just stares across at her, resting a hand down on the side, not too far away from hers.

"I'm a wreck." She repeats herself, as though it will help her, "I'm losing it, I'm failing. I am a failure." Her head tilts back down and she looks ahead in front of her, admiring the shelving above the sink. It's shiny and white and clean, and she can't help but think back about how she used to be the same way. Clean and pure.

"I'm a failure." Tears swell up again and she allows herself to let them fall this time, not even bothering to try and wipe them away. "I just- I've lost everything." She speaks, her voice cracking into a thousand pieces, "My job, myself, my religion, ... you."

Jackson frowns, "I'm here."

"Well, you shouldn't be." She informs him, "You shouldn't be this guy. You shouldn't even be giving me the time of day, but I'm taking it and I am taking it a lot. And I am enjoying that time, but I shouldn't be. I should not be taking that time. Because I'm not _that_ girl, I'm not the girl who gets the good guy, who gets the perfect man. I didn't go to prom with someone like you. I'm not beautiful like that girl is, I don't get attention from people of your standard. I'm the loser girl, I'm the nerd who went to church every Sunday when she was ten because I thought it was cool. I went to the library while that girl went to the mall. I get stuck with the burnouts and the idiots. I don't get the attention of someone like you. I mean, geez, look at you. Really? This- this shouldn't happen. I'm the loser girl. I'm not _that_ girl... and you _are_ the perfect man." She breathes, "You're perfect... and I'm a wreck."

He doesn't understand what she's even talking about, or why she's having a sudden outburst.

He doesn't understand what she's even talking about because she's clearly got it all wrong.

His hand trails closer to hers along the granite counter and his fingers gently traces against hers. Their fingers intertwine and he steps closer to her, his front pressed against the curve of her body between her side and back, "I'm right here."

Her fist tightens in his own, and she leans back against him as she breathes out and closes her eyes, the tears escaping past her lashes. She feels her hand wipe away the wet trails on her cheeks slowly, her hand covered by his own. He pauses the movement on her lips, his thumb caressing the corner of her lips, and she feels a cold shiver run up her spine when his other hand finds her waist and draws her slightly closer to him. He lean down and pushes her hair to the side, whispering in her ear, "I'm not going anywhere."

He speaks the words so slowly and in such a deep tone that she almost melts against his body.

He can't say no to her, and he's not going to.

April moans a quiet noise to herself as she thinks back on that time in the men's restroom. It wasn't how she had seen her day planned out but, right now, she wasn't complaining. All she wants is to relieve that experience or at the very least, some form of that. She's pretty though that it's not what he's planning in his mind.

She has all of these unholy images and misbehaving feelings in her mind, and she can't seem to get them out. She's not entirely sure that she wants to.

She slowly turns herself around in his hold, pressing her back into the counter, and swapping her hands around as she leans herself against it. She gulps when she notices the look in his eyes, he's sending her that insanely fiery stare and she can't herself but want him so badly that she can't even think about the Christ or the church.

He pulls the gloves away from her, wondering where the hell they keep coming from, and throws them away again, this time for good. Her rugged breathing increases when he slips his hands behind her back. His fingers haltingly untie the straps of her floral apron at the back, letting the cover fall to the floor and she shifts against him, her eyes never leaving his until her gazes down at her plump lips with a desirous look on his face.

She won't kiss him, she wants him to do it. She wants him to do this that way she won't feel as bad about herself. She wants him to do this so she can enjoy this a little bit more, if possible.

She feels Jackson's hands on her waist again as he pulls her up, and she rests her bottom on the ledge. He places his hands on her knees and she accordingly spreads her legs. She leans her body back slightly when he moves closer, his head finding the crook of her neck and collarbone.

Her breath hitches when he kisses and gently bites the soft skin. His teeth are kind of sharp but she finds herself enjoying the feeling, tilting her head to the side further to give him move access. He smoothly licks his way across the bone until the edge of her jaw and she tenderly trembles against him. He softly smirks and trails his hands up her thighs as he leans towards her face. His blue eyes flicker between her eyes and her pink lips as he contemplates his next move.

He's giving her the time, and she will gladly take it.

Her arms circle around his neck, toying with his hair. His fingers travel down the insides of her thighs and she pants heavily at the contact.

She's made up her mind.

"Jackson?"

He peeks up at her, detaching his mouth from her smooth shoulder, the straps of her dress and bra already fallen loose down her arm.

She likes the way he's kissing her so delicately, so carefully as though she's fragile and he's afraid to break her. She likes the way they're going slowly just as much as they did fast, if not more. She likes, loves, the way he's caressing the skin of her neck and shoulders with his mouth, and the way he's touching her legs is so light that she wishes he'd continue to do so because the sensation is making her erratic and fervently vulgar to do something that she's not even quite sure of.

She hasn't spoken for a few moments so Jackson breaks the silence, "Yeah?" He urges her to continue, hoping she doesn't tell him to stop.

April licks her lips and shifts uncomfortably opposite him.

She pauses for a second before shaking her head bashfully. "No, you'll think I'm being stupid."

Her first time went by so fast she barely remembers being it actually happening, she barely remembers him deflowering her. The second time hadn't been much better, it was quick and sweaty in a bathroom stall. Not the most graceful style.

She doesn't want to sound corny, like a loser, the complete opposite of what she's been acting like lately. She doesn't want him to think of her as that girl, the one who asked him those fours words. She wants to, though, she really does. All he has to do is agree but she's pretty sure that he won't because they're not in that kind of _relationship_ and she figures it'd be weird for him, possibly even for herself.

"April," He pushes, moving himself back up to face her, "Tell me."

"No." She shakes her head and swallows, "Just forget about it. Please."

Jackson stares at her, resting his forehead against hers and his nose grazes her own. He's watching her lips again and he's not sure how long he can go without kissing her because he knows what she wants and he's trying to best to hold out. "April, " He licks her lips, "You are beautiful." He knows exactly what he's doing. She's clearly too ashamed of herself, for whatever reason, so he'll just do all the talking, he'll say everything that he has to to get her to realize how amazing she truly is.

Her lips curve together in a shy curve.

"You are _that_ girl."

She practically crumbles.

"I would have gladly taken you to prom. I will give you the time of day whenever you want it. I will always pay attention to you. You are not a loser, and if you are, then I am too." His lips are even closer to hers and she can feel his breath beating off against hers, "I'm not perfect, April, and you're not a failure. You're human." She holds back her tears and he rests a hand on her waist as the other brushes through her hair gently, "And I think that's pretty great."

She breaks down against him, a smile gracing her face.

Jackson smiles at him, tilting his head down to graze her lips, "Ask me."

She can't help it, she's incapable of wanting him. She doesn't have the power to stop herself from needing him, from wanted his touch, from wanting his kiss.

"Make love to me."

His eyes bore into hers, the blue finding the brown of hers, "OK."

And he kisses her.

He kisses her lovingly, because that's what she deserves.


	5. hold me, touch me

_Just grab a hold of my hand, I will lead you through this wonderland.  
_

* * *

She hasn't even realized that they're in her bedroom until her back hits the wall and she feels herself slide up against it, his lips attached to her neck.

Her arms and legs wrap tighter around his body as he slightly pushes himself closer to her. She softly moans into the air when his hardness presses against her thigh and she pulls him nearer, a hand grasping the back of his neck so she can kiss his lips.

April pulls away quickly, swallowing a breath as she catches his gaze, "I thought-" she starts but he cuts her off quickly, his mouth covering her own.

It's rougher this time and, yes, she knows that she said she wanted it to be slow this time, but she can't help but enjoy how good that feels.

He hurriedly pulls her away from the wall, holding her in his arms, his hands gripping her backside and she rests her hands on his shoulders as he walks her over to the bed.

She's nervous, he can tell.

"Are you OK?"

She almost wants to slap him in the face for the excessive number of times he's asked her that in the last few days.

A small smile graces her lips and she stares directly at him.

She knows what she wants, even if it may not seem right, but she does, she knows. She wants him, she knows. But the way he's looking at her is making her afraid.

The way he's looking at her is making her afraid that he may not want her.

The redhead burries her head in the crook of his neck, a timid blush of shame and embarassement written on her face that, luckily for her, he fails to notice.

"April?"

She loves the way he speaks her name, just not so much in that 'what are you doing?' tone.

Her arms wrap closer around his neck and he pulls her against him, a hand holding the back of her neck and forcing her to look at him, "April." He states simply, his blue eyes boring into hers and she caves.

"I don't know what I'm doing." She tells him in such a hurry that he almost misses her words completely.

Jackson stares at her, his forehead creasing as he watches her shield herself away by turning her head to the side. He loosens his grasp around her waist and she plops down onto the floor. Her head's tilted to the floor as if she was admiring the carpet and she's biting her lip like she does whenever she's fidgety about something.

Her feet cross and her hands slightly shake as she clasps them together.

She's nervous, anxious, and he doesn't know why.

Well, he does a little bit, of course, but he thought that they were past all of this awkwardness.

"What do you mean?"

"I-" She begins, pouting her lips and blinking her eyes thoughtfully before continuying, "I, uh, I don't know how to ...," she trails off, her head tilting towards the bed.

He's confused, because he's pretty sure that the last week did in fact happen.

She stumbles on her words and runs a hand through her hair slowly, "I don't know how to do this stuff, this making love stuff." Her faces drains to a light pink colour at the words, as though she's never spoken them before, "I don't know how to do this stuff. I mean, I didn't even know how to do that other stuff and, I mean, this, this is-"

After a few moments, she frowns when she catches the smile on his face.

He's admiring her, watching the way she gets embrassed over the simplest of things. But, he guesses, this isn't a simple thing for her and he can't really blame her for that. He can't hold that to her, hold that against her. He can't blame her for that.

He's watching her, admiring the way she blushes like a teenager at the thought of what she, herself, had suggested.

"Are you done?" He's not impatient, he's not rude but she can't help but dispise the small smirk playing on his mouth, toying at the corner of his lips.

She kind of just wants to kiss it off.

"Are you being serious, right now? This is a big deal, Jackson, I can't just drop it!" She informs him, her face flushing and her hands thrown up into the air, as though he doesn't understand what she's saying and she has to draw him a picture.

April doesn't notice the way he steps closer to her, until he's running a hand down her arm and grasps her hand in his own and pulls it against his chest. He repeats the action with the other hands and intertwines both sets of fingers.

Her chest pants and her breath hitches when he tilts his head down to meet hers, his lips grazing hers gently, "April, I'm going to make love to you." He tells her and she closes her eyes. "If you'll let me."

Jackson's so perfect and so amazing, and she can't help but wonder how she got into this place to be able to deserve the attention of someone like him, especially this specific kind of attention.

She gulps a breath and nods her head slowly, her eyes remaining shut as she bites her lip again.

It's kind of starting to drive him insane.

In a really, really good and insanely hot kind of way.

"OK."

He smiles again, walking her backwards.

She only truly realizes what's happening when the back of her knees hit the edge of the bed and she feels herself tremble before laying down. Her brown eyes open and she catches the way he's staring directly at her, his only attention on her.

Before she knows it, her head is delicately and slowly placed on her pillows and he's resting above her, supporting himself up with the help of his hands, placed by the sides of her head.

Her hair's sprawled across her favourite pillow as he smiles down at her, his flickering between her eyes and her lips again.

She can't help but think that it's that perfect, picturesque moment.

He leans down and kisses her softly, his lips passionately settling against her own and she allows her hands to travel to his chest.

April shifts her body a little, pressing her lower half against his. She reaches for his belt buckle, until she feels one of his hands stop her. He claps both of hers gently in his own and places them above her head in his hold.

She wonders what he's doing until she realizes that he's the one doing this.

_He_ is, not her.

He's going to make love to her, he's going to love her.

His other hand slips beneath the material of her short dress, and her breath hitches when his fingers playfully tug on the side of her lacy panties. H wasn't going to pull them down, yet, he just wanted to see her reaction. Jackson's lips find hers again to keep her quiet for a second while his hand slips to the inside of her thigh and smoothly caresses the skin in circular motions, making his way higher to her center.

She faintly moans out when he cups her womanhood and presses himself harder against her, his tongue slipping inside of her mouth.

"Oh, _God_."

* * *

She rolls over in the early morning, catching the time of her bedside clock.

6:24 am.

They have to be back at the hospital in an hour.

April sighs, resting herself back against her pillow and laying her arms down by her sides.

She licks her lips to evade the smallest blush at the thought of what had just happened, of what she'd just experienced.

The way he'd touched her so gently and lovingly that she felt like she was going to collapse or fall apart beneath him.

The way he'd kissed just about every inch of her skin. She'd felt like she was going to die out of pure ecstasy.

The way he'd collapsed against her afterwards as they intensely came together.

The way he'd made love to her.

The way he'd loved her.

_No one's loved me yet._

Her own words linger in her memory.

She turns herself over, her front colliding with Jackson's. He softly groans from his slumber and pulls her comfortably against him, an arm wrapping her waist and she smiles._  
_

They're sticky and sweaty and every word that could describe the same thing but she doesn't care, because she only cares about him.

She only cares about the way he held her.

She only cares about the way he touched her.

She only cares about the way he kissed her.

She only cares about the way he loved her.

April only cares about him because he's perfect and wonderful, and she's been so incredibly messed up lately that she doesn't understand why this is happening.

Because it may be wrong, no matter how right it feels, but she doesn't care.

She doesn't care, at least not so much, if Jesus and God are on her side anymore, or if she disappointed her church or her family,

She doesn't care, she only cares about him.

Because, and she's pretty sure, that she's falling in love with him.


	6. some words, some pain

_Brick by brick, we started crumbling._

_Will I find you when it falls?_

* * *

It's been a week and a half since they received the dreadful news, but the aftershock is still apparent and they're not sure when it will eventually pass.

Alex sighs as he walks into the shared kitchen, a toothbrush in his hand.

"We're out of toothpaste." He informs April who's stood at the sink, scrubbing away on some plates.

She simply nods, without turning her attention towards him, "I'll get some... later."

He takes a seat down at the table, placing his brush down and picking up the newspaper. It comes in the mail every Tuesday.

It takes him a short while to notice that it's a Tuesday. The 4th.

It's Lexie's funeral, he reminds himself painfully. He's so not ready for this.

None of them are.

He picks up the carton of orange juice resting on the table just as Jackson walks into the kitchen, rubbing a hand over his face. He seems tired, as though he hasn't gotten much sleep. Alex figures that it must have been the girl he had over the night before.

"You have fun last night?" He asks him teasingly, trying his hardest to dissuade his mind from the events of the day.

Jackson chuckles, "More than you."

Karev shakes his head, "Whatever, man." They've become decent friends over the past few months and, if anything, the last few days have only brought them closer.

They both decided to hang back at Seattle Grace Mercy West. They deemed it wrong to leave their colleagues and friends at the hospital after all the crap that they've been through and the traumas that they've lived, and survived, together.

Sloan needs Jackson, he knows it. The man has just lost the love of his life and he's been keeping himself busy with work and Sofia. The tiny girl is all that he has left, so he thinks, and Jackson supports him. He was his mentor after all and he can't just abandon him after everything. He's in better shape now that he's been treated

Robbins needs Alex, he knows it. She may not admit it at first, but she's gone through a huge trauma and her leg isn't fully healed, so she needs his assistance. She's not recovered, and he figured that she could use all of the help that she could get. She was his mentor after all, and he can't just abandon her after everything.

As terrible as it seems, and as much as she hates it, April has gotten her job back. She's repeating her fifth year and, though unaccompanied by Little Grey, she unfortunately takes the young woman's position. She thinks that it might have been easier, and better, to take the job at the Tasty Freeze back home. She would have felt better about that offer, she thinks.

They all know. They all know that there was nothing that anybody could have possibly done, but it's fearful image to picture.

Jackson stands beside April, leaning over the sink, "Do you want me to do that?" He asks her, pointing over to the dirty pots.

She shakes her head with a soft smile. It's become her thing; she cleans. She makes sure that everything is nice and shiny, and polished and perfect, before she leaves the house because she fears that anything could go wrong when she's not there. It's stupid, really, but she doesn't care.

"It's okay." She tell him, turning her head to the side. If it wasn't for the fact that Alex was seated in the same room where they're stood, she'd lean over and kiss her Avery right about now. But she can't, because nobody knows about them yet and she doesn't want them to, at least for the moment.

She realizes that it's probably ridiculous but she's received enough teasing and tormenting from her peers that she doesn't want any more for now. It might change the subject, allow everyone to think about something else, but she doesn't want the attention turned on her, as awful as that may seem.

April holds back the urge and spins around, resting both hands against the counter. Her pink dressing gown hangs open and she tries to keep her mind away from the fact that he boyfriend isn't currently wearing a shirt. She finds it weird. _Boyfriend_. The word seems almost foreign to her.

But since he's asked her, and they've become official, she figures she'll just go with it.

"I, uh," She starts, licking her lips and making her way out of the room, "I'm going to go take a shower." She informs her male room-mates, not catching the weird look that appears on Alex's face.

"Great?" He jokingly quips as she leaves the room and makes her way into the bathroom.

Jackson shakes his head and takes a seat at the table. He sits still for a moment before the open door down the hallway catches his eye and he smirks.

"What?" Alex asks him curiously, popping his eyes over the top of his newspaper.

The other man quickly wipes the look off of his face, "Nothing, man. I was just thinking about something." He explains and thanks his stars when Alex returns to his careless attention, clearly uninterested in whatever he's making up. He stands back up form his seat slowly, stretching his arms behind his head and faking a yawn. "I'm going back to bed." He lies, but Karev won't make anything of it because all three of them have the day off and it's not uncommon to want to sleep.

Alex nods, shaking him off.

Jackson quickly slips past him, down the hallway until he reaches the bathroom.

He knew she left the door open for a reason.

He moves inside, shutting and locking the door behind him. The water's running to create the illusion, but she's stood in front of the sink, brushing her hair. She grins in the mirror at him and he walks closer to her, wrapping his arms around her waist and she leans back against him, dropping her brush into the sink. His lips connect with her neck and she tilts her head to the side to give him better access. Jackson spins her around, pushing her lower back into the sink. She gently moans when his hands pass over her shoulders, pushing the straps of her nightshirt off of her shoulders.

He leans down, kissing his way further down her neck and stopping at her collarbone, before she lifts her arms and he slips the top over her head, throwing it down carelessly onto the floor.

She's come to not feel as guilty anymore, to not care as much every time that they have sex. She's come to the conclusion that God isn't going to hate her for one thing, for feeling good.

Because, quite frankly, that would be pretty selfish of him.

They realize how bad it is; it's supposed to be the day of their good friend's funeral.

Little Grey's funeral.

And yet, all they can seem to think about is sex.

"What time..." April starts, fingers down the sides of his bottoms as he kisses between her breasts.

He finishes and answers the question for her in short breath, "At 1:30."

She nods against him, slipping off the side of the sink. _Deja vu. _His hands rest on her hips, gently rubbing circles and she squirms out of her bedtime shorts and panties, dropping them to the floor. She pushes back the shower curtain and steps inside, her naked body pulling away from him.

He frowns at her until he catches the way she's raising an eyebrow at him suggestively and he smirks, his underwear reaching the floor before he joins her.

* * *

Meredith remains in place, collapsed on the floor in a fit of sobs as her husband stands beside her form.

The man on her other side just stares down at the whole in the dirty ground, a completely blank expression on his face. He's not sure what to feel.

He's lost her. He lost his Little Grey, he lost her.

Mark lost the woman he loves, the love of his fucking life and he's pretty sure that he's never going to get over it. He's sure of it, because even if he does manage to someone move on and start afresh with someone new, and get his life back on track, he knows that it'll never be the same ever again.

Because he won't have her.

He won't even have her by his side, as someone to talk to whenever he needed her.

He won't even get to touch her again, she was the thing he loved most in the world, and he'll never be able to hold her ever again.

He'll never be able to kiss her again. He thinks that that's what he'll miss the most; the kissing part. He'll miss it because it was amazing but, mainly, because it was the way he showed her how much she truly meant to him, how much he really loved her. And the thought, and idea, that he's never going to be able to do that ever again is slowly eating away at him and killing him inside.

He figures that it might have been his fault. This entire thing.

If he would have told her that he loved her soon, if he had said one thing instead of another, if he had just- No matter how hard he tries to deny it, he can't help but think things might have worked out completely different.

Mark meant what he said. He wanted to love her, to marry her, to have children with her. He wanted Sofia to have siblings, her children, their children. He wanted to see her walk down the aisle in a big white wedding dress, because he thinks that she deserved to more than anybody he's even met or known.

He misses her, and he knows that he's going to miss her for the rest of his life.

The woman by his side suddenly rises, hiccuping her tears and she falls into her husband's arms.

He figures she won't get over it any time soon either. She won't, because she was her sister and Meredith has already lost enough family members.

"Sloan, you coming?" Derek asks. Even through all of their troubles as teenagers, and adultery as grown men, they've somehow come out stronger than ever. Best friends, practically brothers.

He nods slowly, glancing down at the casket one last time and throwing down the flower in his hand.

He has to try, he owes her that much. He has to try to move on. He has to because he knows that she would have wanted him to and he plans to do everything that she would have wanted. But he can't help the tears that stream down his cheeks as he walks away, his best friend resting a comforting hand on his shoulder with a pat.

* * *

"Do you think he's going to be okay?" Cristina asks, twirling the glass in her hands. She stares across at Mark, a concerned look on her face.

Alex slightly shrugs, "I doubt it, the guy just lost the love of his life."

"That's gotta be hard." She adds, turning her attention to her best friend who was sat on the window seat, her child in her lap. "Meredith's been out of it ever since. I get it, you know, the whole loss and everything." She tells him, looking him in the eye, "I wish that there was something we could do."

"Unless you can bring her back, we're kind of out of options."

Cristina nods, casting her attention to everyone else in the room. Everybody has gathered in Meredith's house, the place where Lexie lived. It seemed fitting. Sloan is distraught, and Callie stands by his side, rubbing his back and offering him a drink. Bailey is in the kitchen with Ben by her side, talking to a Steve. Cristina flashes back to the time when he was an intern, and she'd referred to them all as numbers. She remembers the way she'd called Lexie 'Number 4'. She regrets it intensely now, she wishes that she could have gotten to know her better, even back then.

Teddy flew in from Medcom, in Texas, for the occasion. She only left a few days ago to get everything sorted out for her new job but she couldn't miss it. The woman had been her friend, and had helped so incredibly when Henry had died.

Arizona sits alone on the cushioned bench at the stairs, Sofia resting in her arms. She's crying, but she brushes the tears away before anyone can catch on. She knows she's weak, everyone does, but she had to be strong today, for Mark's sake. She misses her, maybe even more than she's willing to admit. The wheelchair that she has to use is by her side and she gets aggravated when she remembers how long she still has to use it for. It's the least of her worries, though.

Hunt is talking to Webber about something, and Cristina isn't sure that she wants to care. Sure, ever since she's gotten back and decided to stay for Meredith's benefit, things have gotten a little easier. But she told him that she was leaving him, and that sort of thing doesn't just go away overnight.

Derek walks out of the kitchen, ushering a few words to Ben on his way out and makes his way over to Meredith and Zola. He picks up the toddler's cuddly giraffe off of the floor and hands it to her as she extends her hands, awaiting the toy. He smiles down at the child and runs a hand through his wife's hair before leaning down and kissing her forehead. He's not exactly fully healed either. His left hand is busted and shattered, and his future as the best neurosurgeon Seattle has ever seen is still unclear.

Cristina notes the way April is stood by the window in the living room, a simple expression on her face as she stares outside. She notes how different she seems, changed, even. The redhead has always been determined but, somehow, she's confidant, more sure of what she wants. She's bounced back, all of a sudden, since every hospital she'd applied to for a fellowship at had pulled their offer and she'd been rehired back at Seattle Grace. She was different, and Cristina liked the new April, more and more.

Jackson walks over to her, handing her a drink. He stands in front of her, a small smile playing on his lips as he stares down at her form.

She's sad, upset again, he can tell. And he can't blame her. He is, too. But he won't show it because, for the second time in the last two weeks, he's being strong. He's putting that fence, that safety fence, back up to keep everyone from getting hurt, to keep himself from getting hurt.

Cristina walks over to them, Karev by her side, and she coughs. "You guys doing okay?"

Jackson nods for the both of them, "We're... trying." He tells her, leaning his back against the wall.

Alex takes a sip of his beer, changing the conversation.

"Avery's got a new woman."

"Oh- what?" Cristina starts, a devilishly curious look on her face, "Go on."

"Dude!" Jackson hits him on the arm, clearly unimpressed by the other guy's outburst.

He chuckles, "I'm just saying you might want to tell her to keep it down. She's a loud one." Cristina laughs beside him,

"You got that good lovin'?" She teases, wiggling her eyebrows. Joking makes her feel better in situations like these and the conversation is a good one for the instant. She remembers the time at George's funeral, how they'd all cried because they'd laughed so hard. She kind of finds herself missing those days, but she can't go back. She won't go back, she goes forward. It's all she can do, it's all anybody can do.

He shakes his head and smiles, "Very funny." He catches the look on April's face. He can't blame her, she's just been insulted about the way she sounds during sex. "And she's not... that loud." Jackson smiles down at her and Alex does, too.

"I bet she kept Kepner up." Cristina speaks, eyeing the woman.

April lifts her head and weakly smiles at them. She's kind of grown immune to their comments and criticism. She doesn't care anymore. "Nope." She walks off quickly.

"What's up her ass?"

Jackson shakes off Yang's comment and watches his girlfriend walk away, amused at her new attitude.

His girlfriend.

He likes that.

In fact, he may even love it.


	7. back and forth, driving you insane

_You're screaming and you're fighting with your brain,_

_And the battling war drives you back and forth, driving you insane.  
_

* * *

"Should we tell them?" he asks, wrapping an arm around her shoulders when they're out of eye shot.

April leans her head against him, letting the door to Joe's swing back behind her. "I don't know. I don't really want to, you know? They give me enough crap as it is, I don't want you dragged into it as well, but if you want to tell-"

He cuts her off, shaking his head, "No, it's fine. I can wait. We can tell people whenever you're ready." She smiles up at him and he smiles back, unwrapping his arm and taking her hand, "I can wait."

She leans back against the wall outside, "Oh, really? You can wait?" She questions, raising an eyebrow.

Jackson frowns, "Yeah, but why do I have the feeling that you're talking about something completely different?" He asks her, resting a hand beside her head on the brick wall.

She lets her hands slip to his waist and pull him closer. They're practically in an alley and it's dark out so she figures that nobody will catch them, "I'm thinking that maybe we should like... slow down." She tells him.

His forehead creases, "Really?"

"Yeah. Why? Is that gonna be a problem for you?" She teases, trailing a hand over his toned chest.

He shakes his head and curves his lips, "I was just concerned for your benefit. How're you gonna go on without _this_ every night?" He glances down at himself with a smirk and she giggles, wrapping an arm around his neck. He steps closer to her and she stands up straight as he traps her against the wall, his eyes staring down at her. "You know that I'm going to make this extra difficult for you, right?"

She grins, "I'm not saying that we can't _do_ anything. You just can't kiss me, because that's where I lose it. I just- I wanna see if we can hold off for a while. And whoever loses has to do whatever the other asks for a week."

Jackson chuckles, "So, it's like a game?" He inquires, leaning down closer to her lips.

Biting her bottom lip, she nods her head before pulling him closer and breaking the distance, planting her lips against his hungrily. His hand curves around the base of ehr neck and she pulls away before his tongue slips into her mouth, "And I'm gonna win."

He smiles, "We'll see."

* * *

"Where've you guys been?" Alex asks as they enter the apartment, quickly dropping their hands before he notices.

He walks over to the fridge, taking out a beer as April stretches her arms. "I'm going to bed." She tells them, a small grin on her face.

"Night." The two guys reply as she paddles away, purposelly swaying her hips. Alex stands up, placing his dish in the sink before turning around, "Dude, what's with you and Kepner?"

Jackson quickly reacts, "What do you mean?"

"You've been bringing some chick home every night and I haven't even seen her yet. What, is she ugly, fat? Dude, it's a milf, right?" Jackson shakes his head at his roommate.

"Nah, she's my age. And she's definitely attractive."

Alex raises an eyebrow, "When do we get to meet her? It's been a month, man. Or is she just a good lay? I'm gonna ask Kepner, I bet she's met her."

"She hasn't actually, so don't go bothering her with my crap." He tries, holding his beer out to keep the other man from his girlfriend's room.

"What, you afraid she's jealous? You two kind of creep me out with your... closeness. It's worse than Mer and Yang sometimes." He shrugs, heading off to his room after grabbing another beer.

Jackson sighs, leaning back against the kitchen counter.

He doesn't know how long they can keep this up. Especially now that she wants to lay extra low and torture him with this _'taking things slow' _contest. It's complete crap, he knows, because neither one of them is going to be able to stay away from the other for very long but he'll go along with it. He'll go along with it bbecause it matters to her and she finds it important.

Either that or she's really just trying to torture him. And, if that's the case, he's going to do the exact same thing.

* * *

"Dr. Avery, we need you over here, she's coding." A nurse calls him over.

He quickly drops his chart on the counter and rushes off to his patient, sliding the back the curtain and hurrying over to the woman's side.

"OK, we need to intubate."

His pager suddenly beeps but he ignores it, instead treating his patient. After a few seconds, his work is finishes and he sighs thankfully when she regains her breath.

"Can you keep an eye on her?" The nurse nods and he thanks her, quickly checking his pager.

* * *

"Seriously?" He asks as he enters the room.

Cristina grins, "We're having an intervention." She explains, ushering for him to sit down on the couch. They're all assembled in the resident's room. He takes a seat beside Meredith and she turns her head to him, a smirk on her face as well.

"For what, exactly?"

He notes the way Alex stands by the door, a bad of chips in his hands as he chuckles and the way April sits on her desk, a yoghurt and spoon in her hand. She smiels at him, a devilish look on her face that goes unnoticed by the rest of them. He turns his attention back to Cristina and eyes her curiously.

"For this lady friend of yours." She speaks in a teasingly deep voice and spins the chair over from behind the desk. She spins around slowly, her legs crossed and a finger on her chin, "A nurse?"

"You're kidding me, right? Are you actually being serious?" He asks, "I have patients to check up on." He goes to stand but Meredith pushes him back down, tugging on his arm.

Cristina raises an eyebrow, "Not a nurse? OK. Resident, attenting?" She stares at his face, trying to see him falter.

He's become a extremely good liar over the years and she won't be able to read him. April is somehow the only person who's managed to do so over the years and it still amazes him because even his mother can't tell when he's lying to her face.

"Oh my God, Is it a patient? Is that why you're so busy all of the time?"

"I'm busy because I plan on keeping my job, unlike the rest of you, apparentely." He replies.

Meredith smiles, "Oh, relax. It's just a little bit of fun."

"Yeah, Jackson. Just a little bit of fun." April copies, and he watches her as she twirls the little white plastic spoon on her tongue for a moment before pulling it out slowly, a wicked smirk on her lips._ Oh, God._

He snaps his attention back to the rest of the room, "You will meet her when the time is right." He tells them simply, "She's not ready yet."

"What, is she pregnant, married?" Alex quips and Jackson sinks into the couch, a hand over his face.

"No." He groans and the rest of them smirk but April fakes a smile. She actually feels pretty bad that they're pressuring him about this. It would be so much simpler if they just came clean, if she just came clean about the fact that it was her.

Cristina shakes her head, "Whatever, Pretty Boy." She says as she leaves the room, Meredith and Alex on her heels.

Alex turns around briefly, "Kepner, put me in on that Appendectomy tomorrow. I need to talk to Robbins' and she won't listen to me otherwise."

Meredith swats his shoulder as they exit the room, "What did you do this time?"

April doesn't bother to argue, she just nods and writes it down on a Post-It before lifting her head and looking over at her boyfriend.

"This is killing you, isn't it?" She asks and he lifts his arm, revealing his face. She bites her lip and pushes her hair behind her ear.

Jackson stands up, shutting the door after his colleagues and walking over to her. "And you're loving this, aren't you?"

She shrugs like a child, spreading her legs a little and he steps between them, "I might be."

"Oh, and the spoon, nice." He comments and she giggles, picking it back up.

"You mean this one?" She picks up the object covered in raspberry yoghurt and slips it into her mouth. He snabs it from her grasp softly and places it into his own mouth.

"Yummy." April rests her hands down on the desk and leans back, to which he groans, "You know if you keep doing that, I'm gonna lose."

She winks at him, retrieving her spoon and tapping him on the shoulder. "That's the point."


	8. can't take it, fake it

_Wait just a little bit more. I feel you because your breath is burning holes in my door.  
_

* * *

She stands in front of the bathroom mirror, running a brush through her hair as she gets ready to go home in the resident's locker room.

He sneaks in once everybody leaves, closing the door behind him before pulling down the blind. He grins over at her, his expression disappearing once he sees the way she's acting.

"What, you can't even look at me?" He asks her, setting himself down on one of the benches, "April?"

Places her combs down and takes a deep breath, careful to avoid the mirror hanging that reflects his face. "I am trying to ignore you." The redhead speaks slowly.

"That's not going to last for very long, you know. Because I'm gonna come closer," He starts, standing up and stepping near her slowly, "And I'm gonna turn you around, and kiss you, and touch you."

She quietly moans and he smirks because he knows that it reminds her of the last time they did this.

"You wanna help me out here?" He teases and she turns herself around.

She goes to respond but the door opens and they're caught off-guard as Meredith sends her a curious look. The woman shakes it off, she'll ask later.

"You guys coming to Joe's?"

"Uh, yeah." April shrugs, putting her stuff away and shutting her locker before she follows her out the door.

She looks back behind her, a drained look on her face and Jackson smirks because he realizes that they almost got caught. _That_ close. He finds it entertaining but when somebody eventually finds out, he figures she'll fail to see the comedic side of it.

* * *

"Hold on, you slept with her?!" Cristina exclaims, sending a thanks to the bartender as he brings over another round of tequila shots. She grins, "Close your legs, ladies, Evil Spawn is on the move." She jokes, tapping her friend on the shoulder.

"Alex, she's your patient! That's wrong on so many levels!" April gasps.

He grimaces, turning his attention to the redhead, "Oh, whatever, Prude. At least I'm getting some."

Cristina laughs, "Don't be rude. She has Virgin Superpowers."

April fakes a smile, if only they knew how wrong they were. But nobody knows yet, so she's still safe.

Meredith walks back over to their table from the bathroom, she smiles as she slides down in a seat next to Cristina.

"So, what're we talking about?"

The redhead glances down at the floor, twirling her glass in her hand as Alex replies, an evident hint of tease in his voice, "Kepner's superpowers."

"Oh, right." Meredith laughs, sending the younger woman a small smile. "Still keeping those legs shut, huh?"

She likes the girl, she really does. Since the crush on her husband wore off, and their moment of bonding during the shooting, she's grown used to April's crazy ramblings, and awkwardly weird habits. But she's still as curious as ever as to how she managed to hold it in for so long, to keep herself to, well, herself. All her trips and years through Europe definitely guaranteed that she wasn't a virgin herself, she rethinks with a grin.

Meredith picks up her abandoned glass and takes a sip, swallowing the substance before coughing a small breath, "I think it's nice."

April looks up, raising an eyebrow with a confused expression on her face, "Wait, what?"

"You get to wait. You get to chose when, and where, and with who. It's smart. You won't rush it, you're thinking it out. It's not like you're going to lose it to some random guy in the back of a mini-van." She jokes and April smiles, "I'm saying... it's nice."

She bites her lip, her fingers nervously tapping her glass.

She was right. It was smart. Granted the way everything had gone wasn't she'd expected or planned, but it all turned out for the better in the end. She chose right; when she was feeling bright and confident at her Boards with the right person, her best friend. The safe choice. But now, as she thinks about it, he may have been her only choice. Ever.

She can't exactly imagine it going any different.

Of course, as a child, she'd pictured her wedding. And as a teenager, she'd fabricated this story about the day, and how the night would end up. She'd be with her new husband, and he'd love her greatly, making sure that everything was perfect for her.

But, imagination got the better of her, and reality kicked in. She knew that it was her choice, her decision, and she'd made it on the basis that she couldn't picture that wedding any more.

The Devil speaks and she tilts her head to the side as Jackson heads over to their table, stuffing his phone in his jeans' pocket. "Sorry, it was my mom." He explains, slipping back into his seat next to April.

His grabs his glass in one hand, the other hiding underneath the table and resting on her knee gently.

It's only then that she remembers. She should be swatting him away, fending him off.

She has to win this _game_, this silly little game that she came up with because she knows that otherwise she isn't going to be able to control herself around him.

"Momma's boy." Cristina mutters with a smirk and Alex laughs next to her.

Jackson shakes his head with a small smile, "Oh, very original."

"You do talk to her a lot though." April speaks up, pointing out the obvious.

He stares down at her, "She calls me! Besides, you and my mom are practically best friends."

His hand slowly creeps up her thigh slowly and she sits herself up straighter to avoid hitting him. She has to win. "I deleted her on Facebook."

"You still text."

She giggles, leaning back against the seat. She'll let him win this one. The conversation, she means.

* * *

It's around five o'clock in the afternoon when Yang finds out.

* * *

"Why did you have to tell him that?" She questions, handing her chart over the desk to a nurse.

Cristina rolls her eyes with a sigh, "That he was going to die? He had the right to know."

April frowns, crossing her arms over her chest, "You still- We're supposed to give them hope, Cristina."

The older woman bites her tongue for a second, "OK, you know what? Just... stop. Stop being so freaking positive, and cheery, and hopeful, okay? He was going to die, we knew it, and he knew it. You can't change that. Hope isn't going to make him live, April!"

The redhead bites her lip, "It's not a bad thing to give people something to hold onto." She tells her, shaking her head and shrugging her shoulders.

Cristina groans. She has way too many things, painful and awful things going on in her own personal life right now, then to have to some useless conversation.

She leans on the nurses' desk, checking her nails, "So, how's being held-back?" She teases.

April creases her forehead, slightly confused at the sudden change of conversation, but she'll go with it. "It's... fine, I guess." Her lips curve, "I'm a lot better at it than last year."

"The Chief Resident thing?"

"Everything." She elaborates, "It's easier. I still feel like a failure, but it's easy to process."

Cristina nods, and searches the pocket of her white jacket for her mobile, "You know what else is easy to process? Sex."

April's face flushes and she stutters, "I... guess."

"Then process it already."

Her gaze wanders off behind the fellow, catching her boyfriend's back as he talks to a patient.

The patient's a middle-aged woman and she smiles up brightly at Jackson, a suggestive look on her face. He chuckles at something and April watches the way his face contorts with a fake smile. She smiles to herself, realising that he must be the most hit-on doctor in the hospital.

He places a hand on the woman's shoulder for the smallest second, before picking up the chart at the end of her bed and leaving the room. He closes the door behind him, resting against the wall beside the door as he scribbles something down on the paper.

She leans her elbow on the counter, resting her head on the hand with a tilt. She stares over at him, her eyes admiring his perfect face. She really wants to kiss him. Her gaze travels down his chest. She really wants to touch him, to feel his skin under her fingertips. Suddenly, she's eyeing his scrub pants. She really, really wants to pull on those strings and drop-

"Who are you staring at?"

The voice beside her perks up and she snaps her attention back to the woman in front of her.

Cristina has an amused expression on her face, the smile of the devil toying on her lips, "Fine, don't tell me. I'll just turn around and figure it-"

April grabs her arm, pulling her body back around to face her, "No, no, don't- It's nothing, no one."

"Really, because you looked like you were about to have an orgasm?" Cristina teases, daring her head back around.

She blushes, "No, I wasn't."

"Kepner..."

"No."

Cristina fakes a sigh and shrugs, "Alright, fine."

As soon as April turns her attention away, she spins her head back around, her eyes widening with realisation.

"Oh, my God!" The redhead looks up, a screwed look on her face.

That's it. It's over. She knows, and now, everybody would know. Yang has a reputation for spilling everybody's business other than her own. And if she knows, before the end of the day, so would the rest of the hospital.

"No, no- That's- It's not what-"

"Pretty Boy?!" She shrieks, a childlike excited look on her face.

April places a hand over the other woman's mouth, "Be quiet. Please."

Pushing her hand away, Cristina points her finger to the man behind her from a distance, "Avery?! You and Avery?"

"No, no, we're not-"

"You're the loud one!" She realises, slamming a hand down on the counter before rushing off, searching for her friend. Suddenly, her day has gotten much better, "This is so great!"

April's face turns to shock. _Wonderful._ The cat's out of the bag.

She marches over to the man in question, pulling on his hand roughly as she leads him away.

* * *

"We have a problem."

Jackson doesn't say anything, only frowns with confusion when she pulls him into an on-call room, closing the door shut.

She spins around, "Cristina found out about us." She explains, casting her attention down to the ground.

He groans, tossing his folder down on the bed before sitting down on the mattress. "Should have known that she'd be the first."

April walks over to stand in front of him, arms folded across her chest, "What are we going to do?"

"What do you mean? There's no point in hiding it, everybody's going to know now anyway."

"So, you- You want to just-"

He finishes for her, holding her arms lightly in his grasp, "Tell everyone." He slides his hands down her arms, intertwining their fingers together. She places her hands on his shoulders and he holds them in place as she leans closer to him.

"OK." She breathes out after a moment with a soft intake of air. The more she thinks about it, she doesn't see the point in hiding it any longer, she doesn't want their relationship to remain behind closed doors for another day.

"Yeah?"

She nods, resting her head in the crook of his neck, "Yeah."

They stay in silence for a few short seconds before he speaks up, his hands coming to place themselves in his lap. "So, are we still..."

"Holding back?" She questions, only continuing when he nods, "If you want."

She kind of doesn't care any more, mainly for the simple reason that she really, _really_ wants to touch him.

But she also really, _really_ wants to win this. And April Kepner does not give up easily.

"I'm going to win, you know." He informs her, and she shakes her head with a giggle when his hands slide up under his scrub shirt and he pulls it off his head. "See?"

April grins down at him, "If you want me to lose, you lose the pants."

"Oh, no, no. That's way too easy." He smirks, leaning back against the bed. He watches the way he face changes, biting her lip as she contemplates something deeply. "You giving up?"

She pushes a strand of hair behind her ear, an evil smile playing on her face, "I'm only just starting."

And it could go on forever.


	9. there's love, here with you

_Look in your eyes, close as we'll ever be._

_This is love, this could kill me._

* * *

"I'm so sick of this!"

Jackson turns his head to the redhead beside him as she lets her head drop in her hands and groans aloud.

A small smirk emerges on his face as he continues to scribble words on his patient's chart, "Yang?" He asks, already knowing the answer.

April nods, glancing up at him, "She's everywhere!"

He chuckles, "She'll give up eventually. Everyone knows now so there's not much else that she can tell people." He reassures her, handing his chart over to the nurse behind the desk and resting a hand on his girlfriend's back.

She sighs, running a hand over her face before turning her body towards him. He slips his arms around her waist, pulling her into a tight hug and she rests her head against his chest.

"You want me to talk to her?"

She shakes her head, "No. I can- I can handle it.

"You sure?"

"I love it that you're so concerned, but I'm a grown woman. I should be able to handle things by myself." She pulls away and he brushes a strand of hair behind her ear with a smile on his face. April frowns up at him curiously, "What?"

"Nothing." He shakes his head and places a quick kiss to the side of her head. "I gotta go."

As soon as he leaves, she notices Cristina approaching, an evident smirk on her face.

She purposely ignores her presence, "Do you have the labs for Katie Reynolds?" She asks the nurse instead, leaning over the counter.

Cristina stops beside her, "Hey, Kepner?"

"What?" She asks, clearly agitated by the other woman's persistence. "What do you want now, Cristina?!"

The older woman raises an eyebrow, "Cranky much? I have a question."

April sighs, "What?" She turns towards the woman, holding the girl's chart across her chest, "What now?"

"Can I still call you Virgin Mary or has that gone completely out the window?" She teases, a wicked look on her face as she watches April try to keep her calm. "He _deflower_ you yet?"

"I'm leaving now." She tells her simply, taking off towards her patient's room.

Cristina frowns, calling behind her, "Is that a yes?"

* * *

"Hi, Katie, how's it going today?"

The fifteen year old shrugs her shoulders, bringing a hand up to her mouth and biting her finger.

"Fine, as usual. There's only so much pain a brain injury can cause before you get used to it." She jokes.

"Has the nurse given you your medication yet?" April asks, placing the chart down in the slip and crossing her arms with a small smile on her face.

Katie nods, "Yeah, she came by earlier while you were gone."

"So, you're being discharged this afternoon and I'll be back later to come check on you before you go, okay?"

The young girl nods, "Can I ask you a question?" She bites her lip nervously.

"Seems like everyone's doing that lately." The redhead mutters before glancing up at the girl with a smile, "About the surgery? It went great."

"Nah, was- was that guy your boyfriend?"

Her face suddenly flushes when she realizes how unprofessional this is and what the girl's asking her. She scratches the back of her neck, "Uh, yeah."

"He's like really hot."

The doctor automatically grins, "Yeah, so I've noticed."

"I've never even- I've never even kissed a boy. I bet you have, right? 'Cause you're pretty and everything. I'm not." Her voice changes to a different tone, less confident and filled with self-consciousness, "There's this guy I like, Riley, but he's- He doesn't even know who I am."

April frowns, sitting herself down at the girl's bedside.

"I'm sure that's not true."

"I play violin after school when he plays football. I tutored him once in Math and- and he didn't even know my name. And then yesterday, his girlfriend finds me and starts a fight. She starts yelling how I'm so stupid and what-not, telling everybody about my stupid crush on the guy, and pushing me around. I think I got the bleed when I hit the ground. It's ridiculous. But I swear, when I get out of this place, I'm beating the crap out of her."

The older girl grins, "We're not that different, you know." She tells Katie, nodding her head reassuringly.

"Really?" Her face lights up all of a sudden and her blue eyes widen. Her brown hair's pulled up in a ponytail and she has this innocent look on her face that reminds April of her former self.

"Yeah. I was like you in high school. And college. And for nine years after that." She trails, "I didn't have a way with guys or anything and I was all about school. So, yeah, we're not that different."

Katie smiles, "But now you're with _him_?"

April grins, a bashful pink tone on her cheeks, "Yeah. Just wait, you'll- It'll all be worth it."

A few seconds pass before she stands from the seat beside the bed and places her hand in the pockets of her white coat.

"I'll see you after, okay?"

The young girl nods brightly, "Thanks."

* * *

He's barely taken a seat at the usual table when Karev is on his case.

"I freaking live with you guys! How the hell did I not know about this?"

Jackson shakes his head unbelievably, at least he's not questioning their every move.

"Dude, you and Kepner? Really?" He seems slightly shocked, as though he hadn't seen it coming at all.

"Yep." His tone is careless, he doesn't even care any more. He's so over people asking him about it, about them. It's none of their god-damn business.

Meredith sits down beside Alex, picking up her milkshake from her tray and taking a sip, "What we talking about?"

"Apes is no longer a virgin."

"Oh, yeah. I know. Cristina told me."

Jackson lets his head fall down onto the table, groaning out. Meredith giggles and Alex looks on bored. He glancing back up a few moments later and notices April approaching the table. He stands up quickly, walking over to her front, grabbing her shoulders gently and turning her around.

She creases her forehead in confusion, "What are you-"

"Believe me, you do not want to eat with them. It's like 20 Questions."

"I wasn't that hungry anyway." She places her tray back down and follows him out of the cafeteria.

* * *

Cristina arrives at the table, biting into her apple.

"Love-birds not here?"

Alex chuckles as Meredith shakes her head.

"Cristina, stop it."

"What? Kepner can handle it."

The brunette places her drink down, "You can't just go around telling people that she's not a virgin any more."

"I don't know why you're being so prudish, you and Derek were practically doing it everywhere when we were interns. Besides, who cares?"

"She cares."

Yang shrugs her off, "Evil Spawn, you agree with her?"

He nods freely and she continues.

"Whatever."

"No, not whatever. You're avoiding Owen, and instead, you're following April around like a lost puppy just to distract yourself. Stop it."

"Don't talk to me about Owen. That's none of your business. You might still be there, still be my person, but you don't get to help me with this. You don't get to tell me what to do, what decision to make because it's none of your god-damned business. So, why don't you just go be with your McDreamy and your child and leave me alone about it."

She leaves and Alex pipes up, a curious and confused expression on his face. It's only then that Meredith realizes that nobody else had any idea what's been going on between the two of them.

"What the hell was that about?"

* * *

"She's so sweet."

"Yeah?" He asks next to her, a hand resting behind his head and the other around her waist.

April pulls herself up beside him, into a sitting position. She sweeps her hair to one side and smiles, "It's cute, actually. She likes this guy but he's like totally out of her league. But then his girlfriend' kind of lost it and she ended up in the hospital."

"Hold on, the girlfriend caused it?"

"Yeah. I know, it's disgusting. People were never like that when I was in high school."

Jackson raises an eyebrow, "Maybe you were just too good to know and associate with those people." He tells her and she thinks about it for a second, biting down on her lip as she contemplates his words.

Maybe she'd never met those people because they ran in completely different social circles. She was academic, all for school and nerdy friends. They weren't. They were about parties, and alcohol, and cheating to score good grades. She'd never associated with those people because they ran in completely different social circles. They weren't the same.

"You weren't like that, were you?"

"Not entirely. I mean, sure I went out and stuff but, like, I wouldn't have beaten the crap out of someone just for liking my girlfriend."

She thinks back to two years ago, when they'd finally been getting along with the Seattle Grace people and he'd beating Alex up that time he'd hurt her, that time they'd nearly done it. Oh god, how she's so grateful that they hadn't gone through with it.

She remembers the day after when Bailey had stated that she had to wait, that she had to take her maiden voyage with a nice boy, and handle it with care. _Soap and warm water._

"Do you remember when you hit Alex for me?"

He chuckles, "Yeah, I'd probably do that again."

April smiles down at his lay form, resting a hand on his chest. She stares down at his face, her gaze flickering from his eyes to his lips repeatedly. She wonders how she's managed to keep herself away from him like that for so long. In reality, it'd only been a week, but it'd been the longest and hardest week of her life. Or, of her personal life, at least.

Without any control over her body, she throws her right leg over his body, straddling his waist. Her hands travel down his chest slowly to the edges of his scrub top and she slips her fingers underneath. Jackson trails his hands up her thighs delicately before grasping her hips in his hold, pulling her closer to him.

"I really want to kiss you right now." He states and she smiles down at him.

"You can if you want to lose."

He's kind of growing sick of this whole game thing. Sure, it's probably a good idea and, like, Jesus would approve or something, but he doesn't care. He wants to touch her, to kiss her, and the way she's leading him on and teasing his body really isn't helping his concentration.

"You first."

She shakes her head as he speaks, leaning down closer to his face. She gulps a breath and can feel her chest panting as he licks his lips.

"You." Her fingers slide from under his top and toy with the strings of his pants. _Oh, God._

"You." He breathes against her lips. April smiles as he grabs her hair and pulls it aside to place a kiss on the side of her neck. He traces his lips down to her collarbone, gently suckling on her skin. She closes her eyes and quietly groans when he continues. "Kiss me, and then we'll have sex."

She really, _really_ wants that. But on the other side, she's a competitive person and she's not sure if she's ready to give up the game quite yet.

He has to lose.

"No." She tells him, her voice certain, at least as much convincing as she hoped it was. Her fingers move up his body, grabbing the ridges of his top roughly and slipping it over his head. He starts to smirk when she leans down and kisses her way down his chest slowly, as though that's going to change his mind. _Oh, God. _Maybe he underestimated her, he thinks.

Jackson takes her arms in his hands and holds her into place on his lap. She pouts for a second until he quickly lifts her top up over her head and drops it onto the ground.

He raises an eyebrow when she plays with the ties of his pants again, slowly untying the loose knot that holds them up.

"Oh, you really want to go there?"

"Oh, yes." She replies, a devilish look on her face.

But he can't handle it. Instead, he stops her hands from moving any further and keeps them in place on his bare chest. "Stop."

She looks at him, an innocent gleam in her eyes, "What?"

"April." He starts, a warning tone to his voice.

She goes to move but finds herself being pulled down to him, her lips colliding with his intensely.

Loser.

"You know that you lost, right?" She asks him like a child when they pull away for a brief second.

He shrugs it off, turning them over so she's beneath him, "Yeah, I don't care."

She giggles when he captures her lips again.

Winner.

_Oh, God._

* * *

The door to the on-call room opens slowly and she creeps out, making sure that the top is adjusted correctly before she leaves the room entirely.

"Have fun in there?" A voice calls out beside her, and April turns to find Meredith charting.

"Excuse me?" She asks, fanning confusion.

Meredith grins with a shake of the head, "Don't worry, I told Cristina to back off."

The redhead folds her arms and slowly nods appreciatively, "Thanks."

The door opens again and April spins to see her boyfriend emerge, re-tying the strings of his scrubs.

He walks up beside her, wrapping an arm around her shoulders swiftly to place a quick kiss on her lips. "I'll see you later?"

She smiles and watches him walk away.

"I've really been missing out all this time."

Meredith smirks, resting a hand on the other woman's shoulder with a tap, "Oh, April. You have no idea."

Her pager suddenly buzzes and April looks up, "It's Katie."

* * *

"Time of death, 23:45."

April stands by the girl's bedside, an unbelieving look on her face.

No, no. Not her. Not this girl. She'd barely lived, she'd never done anything.

_I haven't done anything yet. I've barely lived. I'm not finished yet. Nobody's loved me yet._

Her own words spring to mind as she stares on at the girl's corpse, slowly growing colder and colder.

No, no.

The girl's her. She's practically the younger version.

She hasn't experienced life. She hasn't graduated from high school and college yet. She hasn't even had her first job. She hasn't been kissed.

As the nurse gets ready to move her away, April lets a tear fall. She knows that it'd bad, it's wrong to get emotionally attached to patients because that loss is probably worse than many.

"No, don't- You can't move her yet! She's barely even dead and you already want to- No."

The elder woman leaves the room after a moment, sending the young doctor a confused glance.

"She barely lived."

It's a simple statement, but it doesn't make her feel any better.

There's a soft knock on the door, and a young man appears at the door. "Is this Katie's room?"

She falters for a second, stumbling over her words, "Yeah, she- uh. She-"

He walks into the room, stepping closer to the girl's body.

Her eyes are closed and she looks so peaceful, "Is she? Did-"

April stays mute for a second, casting her gaze down at the floor. It's only when curiosity gets the better of her that she replies to the boy, "Yeah."

He nods slowly, his blonde hair sweeping across his forehead. He softly smiles down at the girl's unconscious form. He's picturing her sleeping, like she's going to wake up any second.

"I just- I wanted to see if she was okay, you know?" He starts, his eyes swelling up with tears, "I thought- I was- I didn't know her that well, I guess. Or, at least, she thinks that I didn't."

The confusion turns into understanding.

"I was going come here and, you know, see if she wanted to hang out. My girlfriend's gone and I've always kinda- She liked me. I never knew that, until yesterday. I did, too. I liked her. A lot more than I probably should because we shouldn't even get along, but I did. I do."

He chokes back a sob and April sends him a gentle expression.

"I think she'd be happy to know that."

She's never been one to give advice but she figures it works because he nods and smiles softly at her, a look of quiet remorse on his face.

"Did she- Did she talk about me?"

"You're Riley, right?"

The boy nods and she tries to hold back a sob.

She never knew.

She never got the chance.

"Yeah, she did. And she liked you, too, a lot." She starts, "And I think... she'd want you to be happy."

"Thanks." He speaks after a silent instant, taking a hold of the young girl's hand. He places a gently kiss on her forehead and rests his head against hers. He's never been so close to someone who's just passed away before, but he can't find it in himself to care. "Thank you."

April smiles before turning on her heel and leaving the room. She bites her lip as she closes the door and leans herself against it softly as she holds back a cry.

* * *

The door slams behind her as she enters the apartment, throwing her stuff down on the side. She locks the door with her key before kicking off her shoes and settling down on the couch in the living room.

"Apes?" A voice calls and she watches as Alex paddles into the living room, a beer in his hand. "Figured you might need it. I heard about your post-op."

She nods and takes the drink from him thankfully, "Yeah. Thanks."

He sits down beside her, resting his feet up on the coffee table.

"Can I just ask... how long?"

She sighs, "Since we were at the Boards, kind of. It's a long story."

Alex pulls a face, grimacing and patting her leg, "Yeah, I don't got time for that."

She laughs at his reply. The usual person would pry, would ask every possible question under the sun. But him, no. Alex wasn't one for sharing personal stories and divulging into details.

And she thanked him for that.

"Avery's in his room." He tells her before standing up. Less than a second later, he spins around and speaks, "You did good, by the way. I really would have screwed that experience up for you."

He walks off into the kitchen and she smiles after him, taking a quick sip of her beer before heading off down the hall.

She enters the room without knocking, standing in the doorway.

Jackson looks over at her from his place in front of his wardrobe. She notes the way he's clearly getting changed and isn't wearing a shirt so she finds it to be a bonus.

"I need a bath. I need a bath with soap and warm water because I had a terrible night and the only things that I need are to feel clean, and you. I need you. Because-" She stutters for a second before growing some confidence to continue, "Because I haven't lived, and I haven't been loved. But I want to. Because... I love you. Like, really, a lot. I love you. I do. So, I need a bath and you. I need soap and warm water. I need you."

He stares at her, a pure mix of confusion and adoration written on his face. He makes his way over to her and she stands up straight in the doorway.

His hands find her waist and he pulls her closer to him, to which she rests her hands on his shoulders anxiously.

_Oh crap_, maybe she shouldn't have said that.

He places a gentle kiss on her lips before resting his forehead against hers lightly, his eyes boring into hers intensely. She notices the way they change colour depending on his mood.

"I love you, too."

She smiles when he utters the words against her lips. He slowly backs her out of the door and down towards the bathroom.

She's been loved.


	10. on my chest, on my heart

_Wake up to the sound of your fleeting heart._

* * *

"There's my baby boy!"

He winces, squinting his eyes to shut out the noise of his mother's voice. "Oh, _crap_."

Catherine Avery quickly rushes over to her son's side, grasping his face and planting a kiss on his cheek lovingly.

"Look at you, all grown up! Your grandfather is very proud."

Jackson shakes his head unbelievably, "Yeah, sure." He stares down at his mother, "What are you doing here?" He asks, the slightest hint of curiosity in his voice because he doesn't want to seem too nosey, or too interested, in his mother's business. His mother's business was not his business, as he'd fully acknowledged at the Boards, because her business wasn't something that he wanted to see.

"Oh, I'm here for a surgery." She's wearing blue scrubs, so he could have guessed if he'd truly wanted to. "Tell me, have you seen Richard anywhere?" She asks, glancing around the room for the man in question.

"No. And neither are you!"

Catherine swats his shoulder, "Don't worry, my needs are satisfied."

"Mom!"

She grins, "So, how's your fellowship going? And I heard about Lexie. I'm sorry."

He bites his lip and watches the floor, slightly wishing it would suck him under and swallow him whole, "Yeah, I uh- I'm OK. I've moved on."

"Really? You seemed so _infatuated_ with her..."

"I'm fine." He states, and she notices the way his eyes change. She knows her son well enough to stop talking about something when the subject is clearly disturbing him.

She smiles up at him, "So, how's that man? Sloan?"

"I really don't wanna-"

"OK, I'll stop snoop- Oh, April!" She calls, eyeing the girl down the hall.

April turns around slowly, a partly anxious look on her face. She grabs her chart and walks over to the pair, stopping to stand in front of the woman.

The way Catherine's smiling at her clearly means that Jackson hasn't told her about them yet.

"How've you been, Sweetie?" She has this pitiful expression on her face as thought she feels sorry for the younger woman, as though she's sending her condolences for a deathly loss, one April hasn't felt.

The redhead curves her lips, "I'm- I'm fine. What about you? How about you?"

"April, honey, don't make this about me." She smirks, "You seem different. Did you finally have sex?"

Her eyes suddenly widen and April stutters, "I uh- I don't- You-"

"Don't you think that's a little inappropriate?" Jackson asks his mother, glancing down at his girlfriend with apology, as though he was sorry for her question.

"Oh, she knows I'm just concerned for her well-being."

"I'm fine, Mrs. Avery. Really. I am."

Catherine smiles, "Oh, well. That's good." She pulls her scrub cap over her head and crosses her arms, "I have to go, but I'll see you after I'm done. Why don't we all have dinner?"

April stares on. The three of them went out for drinks last time she was in town and the woman spent most of the night trying to hook her up with random guys in the bar. But this time, now that she's dating the woman's son, sleeping with him, making it clearly obvious that he'd been the one to take her purity, this time was going to be sufficiently awkward.

"Yeah, sure." Jackson speaks, quickly ushering her away as she speeds off. He turns to his side, noticing the way April sends daggers at him, "What?"

"She's going to kill us." She informs him and he raises an eyebrow out of confusion, "She wanted me to have sex, I did her son. You got involved with a thirty year-old virgin and I'm pretty sure that's not what she meant when she said that she wanted you to be happy."

He chuckles as they begin to walk down the hallway, "She'll be fine. I will tell her we're together and she can just learn to deal with it." He spins around, backing her up against a wall.

She smiles, "Oh, really? Deal with it? You really think that your mother, _Catherine Avery,_ is going to just deal with something? She's going to have my head!"

"She likes you, she's always liked you. How is that going to change?"

"Because I'm- I'm not- I- I'm freaking mediocre, Jackson, do you not get that? I failed my boards and your mother is going to kill me because I'm going to drag you down!"

He grins, "Are you kidding?"

He moves a hand behind her back and she realizes that the wall she was leaning on was a door. She stumbles inside as it opens, and he follows suit, stepping in behind her and throwing off his coat. The door shuts and she finds her legs hitting the bed mattress. "Really? Now?" She sounds almost whiny, and he chuckles at her tone. She slips her arms from her own coat and it joins his down on the floor.

"Yeah, why?" He quickly shrugs his top off and lowers her down onto the bed.

April giggles softly when he kisses down her neck, the stubble on his face tickling her skin, and slips his hands under her shirt.

"What?" He asks, glancing up at her face. Her shirt gathers up beneath her breasts, and she traces his arms with the palms of her hands. He leans up and kisses her lips gently, "April-"

She shushes him, her hands moving from his arms to his neck to his face slowly and carefully, as though she's taking him in, as though she's admiring his every feature.

"Seriously, what are-" He starts, coming to a halt when she bites her bottom lip and stares up at him.

If he wasn't completely and utterly in love with her, he could feel himself start to fall for her with that once look.

"I love you." She whispers, as though there was somebody else in the room that wasn't meant to hear it.

It takes a moment before she speaks again, a look of trouble written across her face.

"Why did you do it?" She asks him in a voice so quiet that he barely hears her.

Jackson frowns, "Why did I do what?"

She gulps, but keeps to confidence to look at him, "Sleep with me?"

He seems confused, like he doesn't understand why she's asking him the question. Like the answer is so obvious. But it's not, because she doesn't know, and he's not even quite sure if he does himself.

"I- I guess I just wanted to. It wasn't just something I didn't think about." He begins, "You were my friend, and it was something that you needed, and clearly wanted. I guess I was just taken back by your confidence. Besides, I didn't really-"

She starts to worry when he stops, an upset expression appearing.

He continues after a second, "Because I didn't want anybody else having that part of you."

April watches him adoringly, a smile erupting on her face. "You didn't?"

"No. And I know you think that I was making fun of you about the whole thing two years ago, but I wasn't. I mean, I didn't mean to. I just- I respected you because you had enough dignity to keep it to yourself for so long. You weren't just some floozy, so I respected you."

"You took my virginity because you respected me?"

"No, well, yeah, but- It was different. You weren't just my friend anymore. After the whole thing with Lexie and then moving in together- I didn't want to live with Karev but you were so persistent about the whole thing that I couldn't refuse. I just- It was different and then it happened and I thought you felt differently too."

It's her turn to frown.

"What are you talking about?"

"April, as soon as it was over, I could tell you regretted it. You just didn't have the courage to say it. So, I brushed it off."

"You were-"

He nods slowly and stares down, "Yeah, you kind of hurt me. Turns out you didn't feel different, you just wanted to have sex. The whole _after_ thing didn't help. And- I didn't pity you, I didn't feel guilty. And I don't know why you thought that I did."

"I just - I thought that you felt embarrassed."

"Why would I have been embarrassed?"

"Because it's- I was ashamed, mainly because of God and everything but- Never mind."

He smiles and she copies the action after a while,

"Why are we having this conversation?"

"I don't know actually. I was just curious." She explains and laughs. He joins in and kisses her again, running a hand through her hair.

She rests her hands on his shoulders, "Can we just go back to-"

"Yeah." He nods and smiles while she wraps her arms around his neck, bringing him closer towards her. "You know, I almost told Sloan."

"Seriously?"

"Yeah, I think he might have figured it out, actually. He didn't tell anyone if he did."

She grins, "He propositioned me once... for you."

"Why does that not surprise me?"

"Yeah, I sort of turned it down because I thought it was wrong and incredibly rude but, well, you're kind of on top of me right now so I guess it worked eventually, right?" She jokes and he chuckles.

Jackson smiles, grasping her hips and pulling her up to him.

She licks her lips, "Can we have sex now?"

"Yeah."

As soon as his lips touch hers again, her pager buzzes and she moans.

"No, no. No." She groans out, sitting herself up and pulling him with her. She sends him an apologetic look and gets up, slipping her jacket back over her shoulders. He does the same with his top, sliding it back over his head. She steps towards him, sliding her hands up his arms again, and pulling him closer, her fingers wrapped around his biceps beneath his scrub top.

April leans up on her tiptoes and presses a quick kiss against his forehead, "Love you."

He grins when she spins around fast and leaves the room.

She feels different.


End file.
